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Proverbs 17:22 - A merry heart doeth good like a medicine
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I got this from Melodie in Sprague River.....
~~~~~
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of heaven are you doing?" I told her I was a light bulb. She said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "... And where do you think you're going…..."
(You're gonna love this……......)
….
….
…..
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark” !!!
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I got this from Marie in Palm Bay, FL....and since I use chainsaws here in Sprague River, OR it was very eye-opening! Heh heh heh
Gift to Dad
A lumberjack had raised his only son and had managed to
finance the young man's college education by the only way he
knew how -- cutting down trees, by hand.
The young man had helped his father cut down some of those
trees. He knew how hard his father had to work to put him
through college.
When the son started college, he promised himself that the
first thing he would do was to buy his father a present that
would make the old man's life easier. The son saved and
scrimped and finally had enough money to purchase the finest
chainsaw in the world.
On a school vacation, the son asked his dad how many trees
could he cut down in one day. The father, a large husky man,
thought and said on a good day he was able to bring down 20
trees. The son gave his father the brand-new chainsaw and
said from now on he would be able to triple the amount and
work only half as hard.
The old man was very pleased and said he had the best son in
the world. The young man left for school the next morning
and wasn't able to return until the next school break, three
months later.
When he arrived, he immediately noticed that his dad
appeared run down. He asked if his father was feeling all
right. The old man replied that cutting trees was getting
harder and harder and now with the new chainsaw he was
working longer hours but not cutting as many trees as
before.
The son knew there was something wrong and thought perhaps
the saw he purchased wasn't as good as advertised. He asked
to check it out. Upon examining it, he checked the oiler and
it was full. He checked the gas and it too was full. He
yanked on the cord and immediately it roared to life.
His father grabbed him by the shirt and hollered, "WHAT'S
THAT NOISE!?!?"
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Mike in Vero Beach, FL sent me this.....go ahead, sing it!
Hope that you appreciate this as much as I....Keep reading to the end....
92 YEAR OLD PREACHER............While watching a little TV on Sunday
instead of going to church, I watched a Church in Atlanta honoring one of
its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that
time and I wondered why the Church even bothered to ask the old gentleman
to preach at that age. After a warm welcome, introduction of this
speaker, and as the applause quieted down he rose from his high back
chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gait, to the
podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands
on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to
speak...
'When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked
me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50 odd
years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down
to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained
me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when
tears and heartbreak and pain and fe ar and sorrow paralyzed me... the
only thing that would comfort was this verse.........
'Jesus loves me this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong,
we are weak but He is strong.....
Yes, Jesus loves me...
The Bible tells me so.'
When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his foot
steps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I wil l ever
forget it.
A pastor once stated, 'I always noticed that it was the adults who chose
the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during
a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could
see they knew it the best.'
'Senior version of Jesus Loves Me'
Here is a new version just for us who have white hair or no hair at all.
For us over middle age (or even those almost there) and all you others
check out this newest version of Jesus Loves Me.
JESUS LOVES ME
Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..
YES, JESUS LOVES ME FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I'll go
On through life, let come what may,
He'll be there to lead the way.
(CHORUS)
When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song.
Telling me in words so clear,
'Have no fear, for I am near.'
(CHORUS)
When my work on earth is done,
And life's victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand His love
(CHORUS)
I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.
(CHORUS)
If you think this is neat, please pass it on to your friends. If you do
not pass it on, nothing bad will happen, but yo u will have missed an
opportunity to 'Reach out and Touch' a friend or a loved one.
God Bless Us All !!!
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I got this from Drew in Portland
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
The gene pool could use a lot of chlorine.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
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Mary in Oregon sent me this....
I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be . . . Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, 'Listen, honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too.'
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think, 'For this I have stretch marks?'
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally--more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the 'big' questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice Ice-cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
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Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida .
Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ? Yes!
Think about this one:
1. Cows
2..The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians..It creates a hostile work environment.
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Melodie in Sprague River, Oregon sent this to me....it's just plain cute....
One in a million shot A smile from God !
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Mary in Oregon sent me this....
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls
up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the
sleek and shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?' 'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor
proudly. The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?' 'No
problem,' replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty
nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!' Just then the
light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his
car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads
160 mph.
Suddenly he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems
to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and
suddenly WHHOOOOOSSSSSHHHH!! Something whips by him going much
faster! 'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari,the
doctor asks himself.? He presses harder on the accelerator and takes
the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then up ahead of him, he sees that it's
the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his
Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he
feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man
gaining on him AGAIN.
Astounded by the speed of the old guy, he floors the gas pedal
and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds
later he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat
out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly the Moped plows into the
back of his Ferrari, demolishing his rear end. The doctor stops and
jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to
the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor...is there anything I can
do for you?'
The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side
view mirror'.
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| Melodie in Sprague River, OR sent this to me
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then.' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!
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We all know . . .
people born before 1946 are called The Silent generation,
folks born between 1946 and 1959 are called Baby Boomers,
people born between 1960 and 1979 are called Generation X,
and young people born between 1980 and 1995 are called Generation Y.
Do you know why we call the last one generation Y?
The cartoon below explains it eloquently . . .
Now, make someone else laugh. And have a great day!
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In 2009 the government will start killing
all the mentally ill people.
I started crying when I thought of you.
Run, little friend, run!
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.
This coming week is
National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering
to contact at least
one unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done . Your turn!)
lol
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From Melodie in Sprague River, OR
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Behold, I Come Quickly
The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank. After a brief second of complete panic, he remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: repeat the last point. His teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing. He tried one more time -- speaking and gesturing with such force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher apologized profusely.
"That’s all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!" |
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From Sandra in Florida
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit &Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
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From Karen in Pennsylvania....(Have I said I have weird friends?)
Subject: Arkansas humor
A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
How do you know when you're staying in a Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
How can you tell if a Arkansas red neck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? Documentaries.
Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? (Come on-this is funny!) The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! Up in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas. When a couple gets divorced, they ARE still cousins.
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From Dan and Sherry in Palm Bay, FL
Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics.
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese
That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP ; Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
PASS IT ALONG. DON'T LAUGH BY YOURSELF
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From Drew in Portland....I have weird friends...
There have been times when I may have;
disturbed you,
troubled you,
pestered you,
irritated you,
bugged you, or
got on your nerves with all the emails I send,
So today I just wanna tell you that...
I'm going to continue!!
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From Rick in Sacramento, CA....
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... And pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Of course it sank. This proved once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption. One of them went
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other went to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends hoping that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Aww....get over it!....
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| From Drew in Portland, OR ...
After serious & cautious consideration.....your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2007! Try not to screw it up!!!
My Wish for You in 2007
May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy.
May the problems you had forget your home address!
In simple words ............
MAY 2007 BE THE BEST YEAR OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(ok, so I'm a little late getting this in here. LOL...Sandi)
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From Joy in Palm Bay, FL ....
Have you ever noticed . . .
that when you use your computer the first thing in the morning,
The icons appear to be in a different place than when you left?
Have you sensed that something goes on if you leave your computer on overnight?
Well, when you go to bed at night and forget to shut down your computer,
I think you ought to know what actually goes on.
For the first time, someone has "captured" what takes place after you leave the room...
>>> click here >>> http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm
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| From Caroline in Palm Bay, FL
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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Couldn't decide where this went.....got it from Drew in Portland, Or
A set of screwdrivers,
A cordless drill, and
A black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
One friend who
Always makes her
Laugh...
And one
Who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A good piece of furniture
Not previously owned by
Anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
Eight matching plates,
Wine glasses with stems,
And a recipe for a meal that will
Make her guests feel honored.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A feeling of control over
Her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to fall in love
Without losing herself...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
HOW TO QUIT A JOB
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
When to try harder... and
WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That she can't change
The length of her calves,
The width of her hips, or
The nature of her parents...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That her childhood
May not have been
Perfect...but;
Its over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she would and
Wouldn't
Do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to live alone...
Even if
She doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Whom she can trust,
Whom she can't,
And why she shouldn't
Take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Where to go...
Be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
Or a charming inn in the woods...
When her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she can and can't accomplish
In a day...
A month...
And a year...
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| Andy and Renee - 1987 |
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| Caroline in Palm Bay, FL gave me a chuckle with this one.....
Here's some Aviation History everyone should probably know.
You may remember that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed on a ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.
This is a well known incident that many say has been profusely covered up by the Air Force and the US government.
However.... what you may well NOT know is that on March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Al Gore was born.
Coincidence? I think not.
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| This is from Brian in Sacramento, California
A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen inches"
Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"
The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooows!"
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Drew in Portland, Oregon sent me these.....
One For The Ladies....
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."
And they say blondes are dumb...
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
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| Jena in Vero Beach, FL gave me a good laugh....hope you have one, too....
1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?
2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?
3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?
5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?
16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?
17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?
18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?
21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when it's in your a**?
23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
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| Brian in Sacramento, CA sent this to me....
What a computer is supposed to do.
I love this! This is what a computer is supposed to do! Click on the link below and then type in your first name....
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Caroline in Palm Bay, FL sent me these....giggle away...
A collection of classic
[1] Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy and Billy Carter).
[2] I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt.
[3] Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain.
[4] The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns.
[5] Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -Victor Borge.
[6] Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.- Mark Twain.
[7] What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. - Mark Twain.
[8] By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates.
[9] I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx.
[10] My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante.
[11] The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper.
[12] I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor.
[13] Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine.
[14] Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain.
[15] My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol
[16] Money can't buy you happiness . . . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan.
[17] What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman.
[18] I am opposed to millionaires . .but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain.
[19] Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath.
[20] Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.- Herbert Henry Asquith.
21] I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope.
[22] I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - WC Fields
23] We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers.
[24] Don't worry about avoiding temptation . . . as you grow older, it will avoid you. - W. Churchill.
[25] Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . . . but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller.
[26] The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out. -Unknown.
[27] By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal
[28] A woman says to him, "if I were married to you, I would poison your coffee" and he replies, "if you were my wife, I'd drink it". - Sir Winston Churchill
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I don’t remember where I got this…..but I LOVE it!
When I was a kid, we used to go skinny dipping. But at my age now, it’s more like chunky dunking.
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| Mary in Oregon (can't remember the town LOL) sent me this one....I laughed until I cried....
A Cat and Your Chapstick
We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died.
Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.
Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to
nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up.
Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my
chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped."
Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been
using your chapstick on the cat's butt.
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Prayer for the day….
Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth .
| I got this from Drew in Portland.
KOALA & THE LIZARD
A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says " Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says: "Duuuuuuuuuuuude ... just how much water did you drink?!!"
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Ron in Roseburg sent me this, thought it was pretty good! I missed a couple, hope you do better!
A TEST FOR OLD KIDS
I was picky who I sent this to. It had to be those who might actually remember.
This is a test for us, old kids! The answers are printed below, but don't you cheat.
01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.
02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.
03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."
04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed___________________."
05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."
06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "_____________."
07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best....... _______________."
08. Satchmo was America 's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.
09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.
10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and "________ ________".
11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.
12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW . What other names did it go by? ____________ & _______________.
13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died."This was a tribute to ___________________.
14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.
15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________________. !
ANSWERS:
01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader,and "Good Night,and may God Bless."
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop
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| This is Jeffrey and Daniel, ages, 3 and about 7 months. When I was pregnant with Andy, they were 5 and 2. Jeffrey turned to Daniel and told him that I could only afford 2 kids, so Dan had to look for somewhere else to live. I told him that the oldest one would need to be the first to go since I'd had him longer. These guys were sooooo cute. |
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| Got this from Luis in Vero Beach, Florida....
Subject: SANITY
20 ways to keep a healthy level of sanity - or insanity - whichever you
prefer.
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity......Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile.
It's Called Therapy.
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